3-30-08: Family Day

Sister Peg and I went to visit her son and his eight month old baby Kiowa. It was a great scene. He and the mom really have fun with the kid. I took photos of them. They are very playful. Some friends stopped over and entertained us for a while then we had a great dinner and the conversation gradually slowed down and we left. Three hours drive later I checked out the baby photos and went to bed under the big down comforter. The nearby passing trains didn’t bother me at all. They seem kind of nice with their various distinctive horn blowing. This from someone who is typically horrified by any night noises and usually wears industrial ear plugs at night. Is something shifting in the sands of my personality?

I had talked with my sister a bit about my commitment when I was 15 to forgo suicide but only with the understanding that I would never forgive life—never again be fooled that it could be good. So I have to large extent never taken life seriously for over 50 years. I have taken the position that it never really works out and the promises are all false. I have mostly ignored risk based on the idea that there was nothing to lose. I fully expected to die before I was 20 . . . then 30 . . . etc. It’s embarrassing to admit that it was a cowardly posture and that there is actually value in life though not necessarily where you want it or are told. Despair’s advocate retires and volunteers as public defender. I was always experimenting and I did a pretty thorough job this time. All that cynicism and misanthropy is ultimately a defection from the only thing we can do: keep trying to make it work. In a word: Maturation.